Frequently Asked Questions

To begin with, it is probably easier to describe what cremation isn't. Cremation is not a final disposition of the remains, nor is it a type of funeral service. Rather, it is a process of reducing the human body to bone fragments using high heat and flame.

It depends on the weight of the individual. For an average size adult, cremation takes from two to three hours at normal operating temperature between 1,500 ºF to 2,000 ºF.

All organic bone fragments, which are very brittle, as well as non-consumed metal items are "swept" into the back of the cremation chamber and into a stainless steel cooling pan. All non-consumed items, like metal from clothing, hip joints, and bridge work, are separated from the cremated remains. This separation is accomplished through visual inspection as well as using a strong magnet for smaller and minute metallic objects. Items such as dental gold and silver are non-recoverable and are commingled in with the cremated remains. Remaining bone fragments are then processed in a machine to a consistent size and placed into a temporary or permanent urn, selected by the family.

Cremated remains resemble coarse sand and are whitish to light grey in color. The remains of an average size adult usually weigh between four to eight pounds of cremated remains.

We return remains in a temporary urn container. The family may choose to provide their own container in which the cremated remains will be placed once they are returned to the family.

With the exception of minute and microscopic particles, which are impossible to remove from the cremation chamber and processing machine, all of the cremated remains are given back to the family.

Cremation regulations vary from state-to-state.

Never. Not only is it illegal to do so, most modern cremation chambers are not of sufficient size to accommodate more than one adult. Thus it would be a practical impossibility to conduct multiple cremations simultaneously.

We have developed the most rigorous set of operating policies and procedures in order to maximize our level of quality and minimize the potential for human error. Positive identification of the deceased is assured throughout each stage of the cremation process. We only allow certified professionals to operate our cremation equipment.

An urn is not required by law.

No, a casket is not required for cremation.

Absolutely not and it is against the law for a funeral home to tell you otherwise.

Perhaps the single most important document you’ll need surrounding the loss of a loved one, the death certificate is important for:

Legal Reasons: The death certificate is a permanent legal record of the fact of death. State agencies always stipulate that a death certificate is to be filed. It provides important information about:  the decedent, the cause of death, and final disposition.  

This information is used in the application for insurance benefits, settlement of pension claims, and transfer of title of real and personal property.  The certificate is prima facie evidence of the fact of death and, therefore, can be introduced in court as evidence when a question about the death arises.

Personal Reasons: The death certificate in many cases provides family members with closure, peace-of-mind, and documentation of the cause of death. It also provides peace-of-mind by facilitating efficient processing of needed benefits as those described above.

Vital Statistics Reasons: The death certificate is the source for state and national mortality statistics. It is needed for a variety of medical and health-related research efforts. It is used to determine which medical conditions receive research and development funding, to set public health goals and policies, and to measure health status at local, state, national, and international levels.  This data is valuable as a research tool and by influencing research funding.

Before the business and legal issues of the estate can be pursued, it will be necessary to obtain certified copies of the death certificate. You can order them from:

• Your Funeral Director
• The Registrar of Vital Statistics in your area

It is always better to order a few more than what you think you will need. Most agencies will only accept certified death certificates and not photocopies.

In some cases, there may be a need to obtain a certified copy of the death certificate without a cause of death. These certificates are needed to transfer the title on a house, mobile home, and automobile or in some cases for court procedures. You should make this request when ordering the certified copies.

If you have questions about obtaining copies of a Death Certificate, please call us at (313) 982-1000. We’re here to assist you.

What's involved in writing a good obituary? That's really the first thing you have to think about when sitting down to write one for a spouse, other family members, or a close friend. Exactly what factual information should it include and how can you find a balance between dry facts and engaging storytelling? We have the answers to those questions and hope you will find this information about how to write an obituary helpful.

What's the Difference between an Obituary and a Death Notice?

The obituary is a longer, more detailed look at the life of the deceased and the death notice is merely a compilation of relevant facts. The obituary also includes those essential details but it expands on them to provide a more complete look at the deceased's life experiences.

The first of the details would, of course, be their name. If she was a married woman, you'll want to include her maiden name and if he or she was commonly known by a nickname, you may want to add that as well.

Other essential details to include when writing either a death notice or an obituary are:

• Their age upon death
• Birthday
• Birthplace
• A list of the surviving relatives
• The date of death
• The location (city/state) where they died
• Details about the funeral service: date, time, place
• Full name
• Date of death
• Where the person lived

We think it benefits the families we serve when we remind them of the simple truth: in writing an obituary for your loved one, you have the opportunity to serve future generations – not only of your immediate family but of the society as a whole. You are, in effect, recording history on an individual scale. It's a humbling yet inspiring thought; at least we think so.

Well-Written Obituaries

It's very easy to find examples of obituaries that are worthy of attention. There are interesting obituaries for everyday folks that inspire us; maybe even make us cry or laugh. Obituaries which, when we're done reading them, we say to ourselves, "I wish I'd had a chance to get to know that person." Obituaries are scattered in cyberspace, acting as digital records of a life, a time, and a place; and recently, some very funny obituaries have been written.

Will writing our own obituaries become a trend? Maybe. We know many more people are writing their own obituaries today as it's often given as an assignment in certain college and university courses.

How you document your loved one's life story is up to you. With that said, we recommend that in addition to the facts of a death notice listed above, the enhanced death notice, known as an obituary, could also include these details:

• Parents' names
• Information about the spouse and children
• Church affiliations
• Job or career information
• Personal and professional accomplishments
• Personal character and interests
• Influence on his or her community

It's now time to push the facts aside. Sit back and think about the anecdotes and memories you could share to shed some light on your loved one's character and personal interests. Bring factual details into play whenever you can to help the reader clearly see who your loved one was, how they lived, what they did, who and what they loved. The richer in detail, the more memorable the obituary becomes.

Double Check Spelling and Grammar

Before you give a copy of the final draft of your loved one's obituary, be sure to read it through twice or even three times. You're looking for errors in spelling and grammar but you also want to make sure your facts are straight. 

Don't Hesitate to Call Us

We would be happy to offer some suggestions if you're stuck. The Mercy Cremations staff has had lots of experience putting together unique obituaries over the years. Call us at (313) 982-1000 to discover how we can help you to shine a brighter spotlight on their life.

When it comes to talking about writing and delivering a eulogy, we often quote the words of journalist Peggy Noonan, who wrote: “I love eulogies. They are the most moving kind of speech because they attempt to pluck meaning from the fog, and on short order, when the emotions are still ragged and raw and susceptible to leaps.”  If you're currently faced with the task, we've got some valuable insights on how to deliver a eulogy to share with you. But, let's not get ahead of ourselves: what about writing a eulogy? What's involved there?

Writing a Eulogy

Chris Raymond, in the online article, "How to Write a Eulogy: 5 Tips for Success" (see Online Sources for a full citation) offers this observation about the task: "Writing and delivering a eulogy or remembrance speech can seem daunting. In addition to the grief and sorrow you're already feeling as you cope with the loss of a loved one, you must find the time to organize your thoughts, put them down on paper, and deliver your speech–all within the fairly compressed timeframe between the death and the funeral or memorial service." All too true: there's not a great deal of time to prepare. He offers these suggestions to make your job of writing easier:

• Develop a eulogy that you can deliver in only a few minutes. "The truth is that the longer you speak, the more likely you will ramble and make listeners feel awkward or uncomfortable."
• Keep things personal. He tells readers "Listeners will not find your eulogy moving if you merely recite a list of dry facts...instead, share a story that actually illustrates something your loved one enjoyed, especially if you were also a part of that story."
• Keep the eulogy positive. "If the deceased was a difficult person or led a troubled life, then just trust that those in the audience already know that and that it's not your job to break the news to them."
• Keep it conversational. "...speak in a conversational tone -- as if you were simply talking to a family member or friend. In addition, remember to look up at your listeners from time to time and make eye contact. Doing so will help your delivery feel more like a conversation, and you will be less likely to rush through the eulogy and deliver it in a monotone voice."

His fifth tip is one we'll look at in the section of this page which focuses on delivering a eulogy with confidence: keep it in writing. "...if the professionals use a written copy of their speeches, then you should too...there is absolutely no reason to feel you must deliver your remarks from memory."

Being Confident in Your Presentation   

The experts at MindTools have this to say about effective public speaking: "with thorough preparation and practice, you can overcome your nervousness and perform exceptionally well". We agree; certainly preparation and practice both go a long way in helping you in delivering a eulogy at a loved one's funeral or memorial service. Here are two of their recommendations:

• Engage with the audience. This can make you feel less isolated, and also helps to keep everyone involved with your message. If appropriate, share moments of humor and encourage other people to participate to whatever degree is possible.
• Avoid reading your eulogy word-for-word. It may be best for you to make a list of important points on cue cards or a single sheet of paper; giving you a framework upon which to base your remarks without tying you down to speaking every single word on the page. Here's something else we've learned over the years: you'll want to make your eulogy (or these abbreviated notes) easy to read. Print in large type, and write on every second or third line.

Other suggestions to help you build confidence both prior to, and at the time of delivering a eulogy include:

• When preparing to deliver the eulogy, take time to visualize the experience. Picture yourself a success; your voice loud and your enunciation clear. Visualization is a powerful tool for boosting confidence.
• Don’t apologize for any nervousness or problem in delivering the eulogy. Chances are good those in the audience never even noticed whatever it is you're concerned about. Remember, this is a loving situation; no one there is going to judge you. In all truth, most of them there will be exceedingly supportive of your efforts.
• Concentrate on your message. Take your attention away from any personal anxieties or concerns by putting your full attention on what it is you are there to do, which is simply to publicly acknowledge the importance of this individual to yourself, their family and their community.

Two more things which will help you in delivering a eulogy (these again from our own professional experience):

• Fill a small glass of water and keep it with you when you step up to the front of the room. Sipping water regularly will keep your voice and also relax you to some degree. (There's a really good reason stand-up comedians have a glass or bottle of water on stage with them.)
• Take your time, and do the best you can. Always remember, no one there expects you to perform perfectly, so just be yourself.

Looking for Additional Support?

Look no further; our years of experience have rewarded us with insights about how to deliver a eulogy. If you're tasked with writing and delivering a eulogy in tribute to a loved one, and now find yourself overwhelmed by writer's block, indecision and anxiety (not to mention grief); we can help. Simply pick up the phone and call us at (313) 982-1000.

Tré Miller Rodriguez, in the online article, "The 9 Things No One Tells You about Scattering Ashes", opens the conversation with the question, "What sort of ritual could be had if your husband died in the bed you shared and his ashes reside in your apartment?" She goes on to write, "The ritual found me a few months later. My suitcase was open, and I was attempting to pack for the annual Fourth of July trip we had always taken to Lake Winnipesaukee. A favorite cousin was accompanying me, but I felt overwhelmed about visiting Alberto’s 'happy place' without him. It could have been the close proximity of my suitcase to his urn or the six-pack my cousin and I had consumed, but I suddenly realized I could take Alberto with me."

We share her comments to prove a point: sometimes the when and where of ash scattering eludes us for a time. Yet, there can come that serendipitous moment (as there was for Ms. Rodriguez) when you realize an opportunity for a reverential, meaningful ash scattering event has presented itself. And we encourage you to act on the inspiration. But if no such inspiration presents itself, what should you do then?

The First Steps

Are you currently the caretaker of a loved one's cremated remains, and feel the need to make arrangements to scatter their ashes? The information here will help you to learn how to scatter ashes, as well as support you in planning for an ash scattering event. Certainly, as in Ms. Rodriguez's case; serendipity, the fortunate confluence of fact, circumstance and imagination, could become a part of your ash scattering experience. But if you're not willing to wait for such a happenstance; here's what we'd like you to know about what to do when scattering ashes.

The first step involves making important decisions regarding event logistics; either on your own, or as a family. Take time to consider the answers to the following questions:

• Who do you want to participate in scattering the ashes? Sometimes a private occasion, and sometimes a more inclusive one; an ash scattering ceremony should include all those people who would find the event both meaningful and healing.
• When and where should the event be held? When it comes to selecting the right place in which to scatter your loved one's ashes, Ms. Rodriguez offers this advice: "If your first choice is under whelming, keep looking until you reach a place that gives you goose bumps."
• What activities would you like to include in the ceremony? Certainly it's not only a matter of spreading a loved one's ashes; an ash scattering ceremony provides you with a context in which to celebrate their life. Fill the time you have with meaningful activities, such as the reading of favorite literary or scriptural passages; story sharing, or the singing of one or more of your loved one's favorite songs.

Basically, no matter the size of the gathering, an ash scattering event can be anything you want it to be. However, it may help you in the planning of the event to know the six types of scattering ceremonies.

Types of Ash Scattering Ceremonies

A casting ceremony, where the ashes are tossed into the wind, or sprinkled on the surface of a lake, river, or into the sea (either from the shore, or while on the deck of a boat), is perhaps the most common image we have when thinking about ash scattering events. Ms. Rodriguez suggests, "If you’re releasing ash into a body of water, buy or pick fresh flowers to release in tandem.

This enables you to visually follow the ash flow and makes the ceremony slightly less melancholy. De-stem the flowers in advance and place them in a sealable bag with a wet paper towel." Here's another tip from our cremation professionals: before attempting to cast the cremated remains, check the direction of the wind, and cast downwind to avoid having the ashes come back to cover the hair and clothing of guests. Additionally, there are five other types of scattering events:

• A floating ceremony requires the purchase of a water-soluble urn, which will float for a few minutes before sinking below the surface to bio-degrade naturally.
• A trenching ceremony involves digging a shallow trench into the soil, which is filled from the urn, and then raked over at the conclusion of the ceremony. Depending upon the quality of the soil, this could prove to be a challenge.
• Many families–especially those who have planted a tree in remembrance of their loved one– choose a ringing ceremony. A trench can be cut into the soil, or the ashes sprinkled directly on the ground around the tree or shrub.
• A raking ceremony involves pouring the ashes onto the ground and then raking them into the soil at the conclusion of the ceremony. This can be a very effortless way to scatter the ashes, and is appropriate for backyard scattering ceremonies held on privately-owned land.
• A sky ceremony involves the use of a private airplane or other means of dispersal, and does not usually involve family members. Check our Community Links page for a list of professional ash scattering services, both in our area and across the country; any one of which would serve you well in scattering a loved one's cremated remains.

A Final Note about Ash Scattering

Knowing the right location in which to scatter ashes is a very important part of planning a scattering ceremony. After all, you really can't scatter the ashes just anywhere. Unless you're going to scatter the ashes on your own land, you'll need to ask permission of the county or city in which you live, or if you're hoping to hold your ash scattering ceremony on private land, the landowner needs to be consulted. We'd like you to know one more thing: if you've got questions about any part of what you've read here; or would like additional information about what to do when scattering ashes, we invite you to call us at (313) 982-1000. We will be honored to assist you in any way we can.

Here's what we've learned from our professional experience: when it comes to coping with the loss of a loved one: ignorance is not necessarily a good thing. But, let's be honest; ignorance on the subject is really very common; after all, we generally have only a few opportunities to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one. If you're currently faced with the death of a family member or friend, we hope the following guidelines, insights and suggestions will help you in dealing with the death of a loved one. Please let us know if we can be of any assistance in this difficult time. Certainly, if your need is immediate, call us at (313) 982-1000 any time of the day or night.

In the Early Moments

When you witness the death of a loved one, or otherwise hear the news; a floodtide of emotions can sweep you off your feet. For many, this is the time when the best they can do is to sit and be still with the news. They let the emotions wash over them, and take comfort in the presence of companions. They know (either intuitively or from experience), there will be a time for action, certainly; but this is not it. Poet Rainer Maria Rilke captures this time beautifully in "On Hearing of a Death":

"...as you left us, there broke upon this stage

a glimpse of reality, shown through the slight

opening through which you disappeared: green,

evergreen, bathed in sunlight, actual woods.

We keep on playing, still anxious, our difficult roles

declaiming, accompanied by matching gestures

as required. But your presence so suddenly

removed from our midst and from our play, at times

overcomes us..."

Dealing with the loss of a loved one begins as an inner journey of reflection and acknowledgement. Some have described the first feelings as numbness or confusion. And certainly there will be time spent weeping. But here's something to remember; the need to make the necessary arrangements for their end-of-life care quickly takes the newly bereaved (numb and confused as they may feel) outside of themselves, and into the wider world. And because of the immediate need to deal with practical issues we suggest you reach out to trusted friends and allies for assistance. Ask them to help you with:

• Death notifications
• The first calls you should make include immediate family members and close friends, your loved one's employer(s), your pastor or clergy person, and of course, a funeral home or cremation provider. Check out our Death Notification Checklist for additional insight into what's involved in notifying others about your loved one's death.
• Making necessary funeral arrangements
• We've found no one is completely comfortable coming to a funeral home or cremation provider. Not only are they emotionally devastated by their loss, the very thought of dealing with the arrangement details can be overwhelming. Ask a trusted friend or family member to go with you.
• Attending to daily chores
• Housework, grocery shopping and other errands, paying bills; in the best of times, these activities can be less-than-engaging. And when you're in the early days of bereavement, it can feel absolutely impossible to take care of all that needs taking care of; so ask for assistance.
• Emotional support
• When times get tough, there's nothing like a friend, is there? While there are those friends who are better suited to the practical issues surrounding the death of a loved one; there will be those you can ask to share in the ups and downs which characterize the bereavement experience.

Really, learning how to deal with the death of a loved one has much to do with gathering all the support you need, in the form of friends, family members, and trusted professionals. It's important that you have the precious gift of time in order to deal with the complexities of bereavement.

Turn to Us

Certainly, as cremation service providers, we fall under the category of trusted professionals; and as such, we can be a major asset to you and your family. Dealing with the death of a loved one isn't ever truly easy; but when you call us at (313) 982-1000, you've done a great deal to ease your way during this difficult time.

When the death is unexpected, the news will surely have been a shock to you – so you need to expect that reaction in those you tell. Even when the death is expected, as in a long illness, or when a loved one is in hospice care, the news may be difficult to deliver.

Before you go any further, the overriding question to ask – no matter the situation, is this one:

What Do You Want this Experience to be Like for Your Family?

Think about it. This will be a time in their life they will always remember. Just how do you want them to look back on it?  

We’re confident you’d say you want them to remember it as a time of loving compassion; where the news of their loved one’s death was delivered with kindness and understanding. And that takes forethought. One aspect of thinking ahead includes avoiding the Internet channels of communication during the first hours after a loved one dies.

You want to be very careful that this information is not broadcasted through Facebook or Twitter (or any other social media site), or via Instant Messaging, before you’ve had the opportunity to connect with family members personally.

Stop, Think…and then Speak

You know your family members, and chances are you can predict how each one of them needs to be cared for during this difficult time. Our best advice is that you walk into this situation with your “eyes wide open”, and set the stage accordingly.

Should you call them in the middle of the night, or while they are at work, or school? Only you know the answer. But, when you tell them is an important consideration, and your family member deserves your clearest thinking on the matter of when you tell them the news.

Then, you need to think about how you will break the news. It’s preferable to deliver such news in person, but if that’s not possible, a phone call will have to do. In either case, we have some valuable suggestions:

• Protect them by asking them to sit down. After all, such news can often make someone’s knees buckle, and send them crashing to the floor.
• Choose your words carefully. You know the right words for the person you’re speaking to hear. If using a phrase like “passed on”, “passed away”, or “gone to a better place” makes sense, then use it. If you think they would they would rather hear their loved one has died, then that word is appropriate.
• Give them as many of the details involved in the death as you feel they need to hear right now.
• When you’re done, ask them if there’s anything they would like to know, and if there is, answer their questions as best as you can.
• Let them know they can continue to ask questions during the days ahead, and that they can openly express any emotions they are feeling now – and in the future – such as fear, guilt, sadness, depression, or anger.

After the call is made, or the news shared in person, keep the lines of communication open. And in the days to come, help your family member (to the best of your ability, considering your own grief) work through these emotions by encouraging them and reassuring them. Naturally, family members should support one another; so don’t neglect to turn to them for support as well.

Death, no matter the circumstance, is hard for us to handle. Keep in mind that the best thing that you can do for anyone when informing them of a death is to deliver the news thoughtfully. Let them know that you are there for them and that you love them. That too is an essential truth they need to know.